Staring Down The Barrel

In six days, I will be fifty years old. Damn. It only matters when you think about it. Unfortunately, you think about it all the time. I feel no different than I did yesterday. The same aches and pains have followed me around for years. My fault for living a relatively sedentary life. I do walk a lot and my business keeps me active, but I don't exercise in the traditional sense.

So the years keep coming. Until they don't. Who knows what's next.

Age shows up in strange ways. Like having a coffee with your cheeseburger at McDonald's. And mail seems to be very important to me now. I mean, I check the mailbox on Sundays and national holidays. Yesterday, I got home and I looked and,,, no mail! I was genuinely baffled. I came inside and it turned out my daughter had brought it in. I grounded her. Took away her phone. If she wants to cut off my communication with the outside world, so be it! Two can play at that game.

I find that even though I know I will likely live another 30-plus years, I feel like I have to squeeze in as much as possible. I wish I'd had this feeling when I was twenty. How much more could I have accomplished? God only knows.

I am at once crankier and more laid back. I let things go that used to drive me up the wall, and I am annoyed by things that didn't matter a few short years ago. 

I spent so much of my youth worrying about the world and consuming every scrap of news I could get my hands on that now, when I see the world is burning, I make s'mores.

I am convinced the world is worse than it's ever been, just like my father did. And his father before him, and his father, and so on and so forth.

I am proud of the things I can still do. I miss the things I no longer can do. The ones I remember, anyway.

I am proud to still be married. I am prouder still that I love her more than ever.

I value my time and do all I can to save it and make it count. Then I plop my fat ass down in front of the TV, which is something I didn't used to do.

I am self-aware. This essay proves it.

I have no idea what is going on in the world around me. This essay proves it. (I'm proud of that one.) I let my children live their lives. I only guide when I am invited onto the raft. Otherwise, like everything in this life, I just let them go with the flow.

I guess I should confess that I didn't take my kid's phone away or ground her. But I thought about it.

Adolfo Jimenez is an author, poet, and blogger. He lives in Hollywood, Florida. He has published ten books, which you can find here.